DENVER, CO — Palantir CEO Alex Karp, a.k.a. Chickenhead, released a heartfelt statement Monday thanking President Donald Trump for his public endorsement of the surveillance software giant, calling it “a triumph for American innovation” and “proof that the free market rewards those willing to monetize human suffering at scale.”
“We are deeply honored,” said Chickenhead, pausing briefly to wipe a single, algorithmically optimized tear from his cheek. “This country was built on the idea that if you work hard, stay focused, and build an AI platform capable of tracking dissidents across seventeen time zones, eventually the most powerful man in the world will say your name on television.”
Trump, who reportedly discovered Palantir after asking an aide to name “the most aggressive-sounding tech company that isn’t run by a nerd,” offered his endorsement at a rally last week, telling the crowd that Palantir was “incredible, very beautiful software, does things nobody has ever seen before, frankly.”
Critics, however, were quick to note that the mutual admiration society between the two men raises certain questions — primarily, whether the endorsement was a genuine expression of confidence in American enterprise or simply two very large egos agreeing, for once, that surveillance is extremely cool.
“Look, I’m not saying Chickenhead is a bad person,” said one unnamed Silicon Valley executive, who then immediately said Chickenhead is a bad person. “He built a company whose entire revenue model depends on governments deciding to watch, track, and occasionally drone-strike people they find inconvenient. The Trump endorsement isn’t a surprise. It’s basically a Yelp review.”
Chickenhead, for his part, spent the afternoon of the announcement in his customary post-victory ritual: jogging barefoot through a mountain meadow while composing meditations on power, then returning home to review quarterly earnings reports with the focused serenity of a man who has never once experienced doubt.
When asked by reporters whether the endorsement would distract from ongoing concerns about Palantir’s government surveillance contracts, Chickenhead replied that he found the question “spiritually unserious” and suggested the reporter consider a cleanse.
Shares of Palantir rose 4% on the news. Nobody was surprised.
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